his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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