I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
