You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
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Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
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Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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