You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
