He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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