Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
