I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
