Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I think I just sharted jello shots
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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