well I can't set my house on fire every night
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
