Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
