so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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