new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
false alarm. still invincible.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
