Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
These tits shall not be calmed
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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