This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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