this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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