My liver just broke up with me...
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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