I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
