If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
