she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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