I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
