One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
