I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
