my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
