I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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