Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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