we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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