Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
that is very illegal...i love you.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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