I haven't been this sober since birth.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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