he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
