mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
