Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
