My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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