My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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