this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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