I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
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