Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
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The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
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Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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