Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
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She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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