I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
