Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
