I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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