I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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