Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
