sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Can I color on your dick again?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
