Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
