just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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