When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
