Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
