Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
