i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
We need to get me chipped asap
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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