Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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