Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Me too!
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I don't want my vagina anymore.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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