I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
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she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
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Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
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