Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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