well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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