I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
