Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
