Just took my morning after pill in the library
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
