Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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