Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
