as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Ketchup is God's man juice
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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