he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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