I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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